


Letters to Future Me

by Thatsmyphrase



Category: Supernatural
Genre: (Like actual type 1 diabetes not in reference to fluffiness), Anorexic Dean, Bulimia, Cool, Cool Dean, Dean Has an Eating Disorder, Dean has diabetes, Dean is Not Amused, Dean-Centric, Diabetes, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Funny, Funny Dean, Future Tense, Gen, High School, Implied Bela Talbot/Dean Winchester, Kansas, Letters, Medical, Minor Bela Talbot/Dean Winchester, One Shot, Recovery, Sick Character, Sick Dean Winchester, Sickfic, Triggers, Type 1 Diabetes, Will not cause diabetes, Wrestling, Young Dean Winchester, but he doesn't know, sammy - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-20
Updated: 2016-10-31
Packaged: 2018-06-09 14:50:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6911602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thatsmyphrase/pseuds/Thatsmyphrase
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I hope you are everything that you always wanted to be... and more. Anyways… I'm not really sure how to start this but my name is obviously Dean Winchester. I am 16 years old right now… I live with my brother, Sammy and my dad, John in Kansas. Pre-diabetic Dean. Enjoy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**October 23, 2016**

**Letters to Future Me… Or Whatever...**  

 ~~Dear 20-year older me~~ ,

 ~~Dear future me~~ ,

~~Dear future Dean,~~

Dear whoever,

I hope you are everything that you always wanted to be... and more.

My teacher, Ms. Tran is making the whole class write letters to our future selves in the form of a blog.

So in this post or letter or whatever you want to call it, I’m supposed to tell you my future plans, what’s happening in my life now and something I’ve never told anyone.

Anyways… I’m not really sure how to start this but my name is obviously Dean Winchester. I am 16 years old right now… I live with my brother, ~~Sam~~ Sammy and my dad, John in Kansas.

Mom died two summers ago on the 7th of July when a drunk idiot decided to go behind the wheel one night… don’t worry that guy is in jail now and he should be there for the foreseeable future. Dad also said he got his license revoked forever. That guy can rot in ~~hell~~ prison for all we care. He took mom away from our family and her life away from her and for what? Some cheap alcohol? One more bottle? I guess the only good that came out of that whole situation is that after she died, Dad threw out all his alcohol. I think the sight of it made him sick after that. I know it had that effect on me. He hasn’t touched the stuff ever since the funeral and I’m proud of him.

I was 14 and Sammy was 10. We don’t talk about her too much but I miss her. Sammy definitely misses her too. Sometimes I overhear him talking to her.

I do the same.

I miss when she’d sing “Hey Jude” to me and Sammy at night and around the house or whenever we couldn’t sleep. I also miss the rice and tomato soup she cooked for me when I was sick (Sammy was never a huge fan of it). I personally thought It was better than chicken noodle soup. Dad doesn’t make it as good as she does, but he tries.

Ever since mom died, dad has been trying to get out of the house... maybe even out of the state. Recently, he’s been applying for engineering jobs outside of Kansas. It’s annoying because when I asked him about it the other day, he said there’s a higher demand for engineers in other states. It’s a lame answer cause Sammy and I both like Kansas. We’ve been here since we were born and we have friends here.

I just really hope we get to stay in this house. This house reminds me of mom and I like that. It’s like she’s still here sometimes… not like the haunting ghost kind of “here” but you know what I mean. Staying in this house is the only way I know how to keep her in my memories, you know? She’s the one who picked the house out and painted the walls banana yellow… and put up all the pictures in the house. So, please don’t ever stop thinking about her. I never want to forget her.

Sorry for going all sappy and girly on you… I just miss her… I’ll make the rest of this letter as light as I can. How’s that?

So things that just happened in my life… well, I just made the wrestling team but have already had to go down a weight class because I’ve lost 3 1/2 pounds since the season started. I don’t know what’s going on. Yes, I’m exercising but I’m also eating a lot more. I’m also always thirsty and I’ve been peeing a while bunch (I know, TMI) and trust me, I know what you’re thinking, “Well don’t drink so much water” but I can’t. It’s like I have this insatiable thirst all the time and I don’t know why. I’m sure it will pass… Sammy thinks I should get it checked out but I don’t think it’s anything to worry about, if it get’s any worse, then I’ll tell my dad.

Speaking of Sammy, I’m sure hanging out with his ~~friend~~ BFF Ruby studying for God only knows what.

They are two peas in a nerd pod if you’d ask me. Sammy says he doesn’t like her like that but everyone knows that’s not true. You remember those air head things, right? Yeah well Sammy might as well be the new airhead guy whenever we tease him about her. His face gets super red. It’s the funniest thing. It didn’t always used to be like this. Sammy’s been friends with her forever and I guess it just sort of happened one day. Even dad notices it. Poor Sammy, 12 years old and pining for his best friend. Ruby’s a cool chick so I wouldn’t be opposed to them dating but only time will tell.

Now time for life goals. Well, I’ve always wanted to join the army. I already have plans to join ROTC in college. I wanted to do JROTC during freshman year but mom wouldn’t let me. She said that it would take time away from my real school. My dad was in the army when he met my mom, actually. I say “met” because my dad said she didn’t like him until much later. Guess the old man wasn’t as charming as I am.

You’re looking at… well speaking to the only guy to ever date Bela Talbot. Were supposed to go out on a date this Friday but I’m not sure yet where I want to take her… I’ve been doing good on my choirs so dad said he’d give me 15 dollars to spend it on whatever I wanted to. It’s not much but 15 dollars can go along way. Since summer is right around the corner, maybe I’ll take her out for a picnic. Unlike Sammy, I can cook. I think it would be better than going to the conventional movies or something. And besides, the park on a warm day is the best place to make out.

I’m not sure what else to talk about. This assignment is dumb. It’s really weird having a one sided conversation. Is this how all blogs are? see whose going to answer that huh?…. um… I guess I’ll talk about Sammy now. ~~I’m sorry… Sam~~. In the future, don’t let him con you into calling him Sam. It’s lame and he will forever be Sammy to me. So there, Sammy. Take that. I guess he thinks since his age is into the double digits, he’s all grown up. How wrong is that little twerp? I’m 4 years older than he is and I still feel like a kid sometimes. But, I don’t know, Dad has a tendency to treat me like a kid sometimes… don’t ever tell him I said that. Well… I guess you are me… so yeah… never mind then but I’m warning you! It’ll be our little secret.

In a few days I will be getting my license. Hopefully I will pass the writing part. I’ve been driving since I was about 12 but we’re not gunna tell anyone that. Pops and Bobbly let me drive on occasions.

To close, I just really hope were gunna be cool someday. It would be sucky if we weren’t. Please don’t get married. I’m begging you! Ladies are nice and all but the bachelor life is so cool.

Open this whenever you want… preferably when you’re 20 I guess.

Keep on being cool

 ***S*** **P*N***

**It’s a one-shot for now but I can write more if requested**

**Thanks for reading!**


	2. Letter 2: Who I Once Was

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've never used a TRIGGER WARNING but I feel like I should with this chapter. Dean deals with an Eating Disorder so if you are recovering or anything, this may not be the story for you at this moment.

October 28th

 

Dear Future me…

Hey everyone readying. remember in the last letter, I had mentioned that I had lost a bit of weight?

Well… this letter… it’s about that I guess in a way.

Dad and I got into a heated argument last night

So it went like this.

It started off when my dad asked me how I’d been lately and of course I told him that I’d been fine…

Then he gave me this look and told me he knew that I was lying.

I had never been more confused so I denied it because really, I was fine.

But his face got even more red and he told me that my wrestling couch called him that morning because he was concerned about my weight.

He then insisted that we go to the doctor that night.

I swear if the color could actually drain from your face, all of mine would have been seeping onto my flannel shirt.

I repeatedly told him that I had been on track but he wouldn’t believe me. He then brought up how I had been eating more than usual.

I was about to tell him why when I heard Sam sniffling from behind us. My heart stopped knowing he had heard a lot of the conversation. He looked like he was about to cry and I had never felt so small. Everyone was against me and I was so angry. 

I just stormed off and barricaded myself in my room and didn’t talk to anyone for the rest of last night.

And in order to tell you why I was so angry, I have to dig into my past.

About a couple of years before my mom died… I struggled with an eating disorder. I don’t know… I obviously wasn’t feeling confident about my body.

I wasn’t the skinniest kid but I was by no means overweight or anything like that looking at past pictures of me when I was younger. I did have a bit of a stomach though…

I can’t tell you exactly when It all began but I know it was sometime after the Dean-the-bean incident. I was in 6th grade at the time so I was probably about 11. My mom had just gotten me new jeans and I had forgotten to wash them the night before and I decided to wear them the next morning and I had forgotten to take off the sticky tag. I managed to go half the day with the tag still on my pants until it was the class before lunch and Rowena noticed the tag. She ripped it off and showed everyone at the table my size and began poking fun at my weight.

Then she somehow managed to get a few kids at the table like Crowley and Amara to start calling me Dean-the-bean and it only took a couple weeks for the hated nickname to start spreading throughout the school.

And I was a pretty tough kid but when the 8th graders and a few of the 7th graders began calling me that too, something just snapped. They thought it was funny and there was nothing I could do to stop it. People knew more about my weight then they knew about me and that hurt.

At lunch time, I felt guilty for eating after that. I felt as though everyone at school was watching every single bite I took.

So sometime after that, I decided losing a few pounds wouldn’t hurt anyone. Besides, what could go wrong? It would make me feel better at the end, right?

During the coming weeks, I decided I wanted to at least lose 3 pounds. I was 123 and wanted to be at least 120. I guess I picked it ‘cause it was an even number. I gave myself two weeks to lose 3 pounds.

So, I started eating a bit less.

That meant I would never finish all of my dinner, breakfast or lunch that my mom made for me. Which is ironic because now, I would do anything to taste my mom’s cooking again…

Then over the course of a couple days, I decided to not eating the bread on my sandwiches and soon very quickly escalated to only eating the lettuce and throwing away the rest.

When I didn’t get to the goal I wanted in the time limit that I had set for myself, I was discouraged. The scale still read 123 pounds and I didn’t know what I was doing wrong.

So, to solve that problem, I completely stopped eating for two days, only drinking apple juice and water to keep my energy up. The juice part was pretty difficult since mom was a dentist and she didn’t keep juice around the house. I had to buy the juice from school during lunch. 

This plan worked for those two days but, I was so hungry after school one day that I just ate the first thing that sounded good and that was Oreos.

Mom didn’t usually keep sugary or too salty foods in the house for Sammy and I but that didn’t mean she had broken dad out of his food habits which had been Oreos… well really any kind of cookies but Oreos were his favorite.

I ended up eating the whole pack. I’m not sure how quick but I was so hungry that it was probably like a little under a half an hour. And I felt alright at first and I felt full for the first time in 2 days but then only a few minutes later, I felt sick and ended up throwing up. 

I was horrified at first but then I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders… and my stomach for that matter. I felt lighter for some reason.

When dad got home, he wasn’t too happy that I had eaten the whole bag of Oreos and said something about teenager’s appetites or something like that even though I was only 11. They were his favorite after all. Mom with a laugh told my dad it was a sign and told me to go scrub my teeth.

So I did, for the second time in an hour.

I continued to eat just the lettuce off my sandwiches but I didn’t try it again- throwing up, I mean- till almost 3 weeks later.

The next time it happened, was a week before spring break. Mom, Dad and Sammy all wanted to go to this restaurant and at first I was very skeptical of the plan but we had fun regardless. But, when it came to dessert, I found that I had eaten too much and had no room for any. So I decided to do something about it. After I excused myself, I went into the bathroom and waited in a stall for a moment to make sure I was alone and I made myself throw up.

That night, I had room for dessert. That’s also when I began to spiral down further into dangerous territory.

After that incident, I tried it a few times more and I began to weigh the pros of making myself throw up. well for starters, I could eat whatever I wanted to and not gain the weight. But the cons were that it burned and I didn’t feel very good afterwards.

So it became a bit of a regular thing to do over the next couple of weeks. At first, I didn’t think it was doing much until I got on the scale.

I couldn’t believe it but I had lost two pounds in two weeks. 

And even though I felt horrible after throwing up (I mean who wouldn’t?) I also felt something else, for the first time in months, I was proud of myself for losing those 3 pounds. So, I told myself that maybe just maybe, I could get down to 110 pounds even.

It was a bit drastic, I know but I somehow thought I could do it.

I didn’t lose all the weight I had wanted to but I lost about 6 pounds which brought my total to 9 pounds lost. It only took four months of a viscous cycle of fasting with only juice or water or restricting what I ate and occasionally binge eating something like a bag of chips or some sweets like cookies and then throwing it all back up.

And I guess you’d be asking, ‘how in the world did Mom and Dad or Sammy not find out??’ And I’d respond with: easy, I was always very careful. At school, when it was lunch time, I would sometimes eat a tiny bit of food and then go to the library and do homework early (I know…) or I would read books (even crazier, I know). I would also never binge when mom, dad or Sammy were home… well, not on purpose.

At home, it was pretty easy because mom and dad had work until 5 o’clock or 5:30 and Sam, since he was in elementary school at the time, got picked up by my mom when she got off work. So they got home at the same time which was 4. There was this one day I came home from school and decided to eat chips and salsa and I wasn’t gunna throw up because I was just gunna start the fasting process over again but then I just started feeling weird. And even though I really didn’t want to, I threw up anyways. And just saying… salsa is not nearly as good coming out through your nose...

After throwing up, I walked out to discover mom standing outside the bathroom. I was pretty surprised.

She said that Sammy had gotten sick at school and asked me if I were okay. I was so ashamed that I lied straight to her face and told her I had the flu like Sammy. She felt my forehead and told me to go lie down.

I had never felt so relieved in my life.

I had also never felt more disappointed in myself either.

I’ll never be able to live that one down.

After Sammy had that flu, mom began packing my lunch and Sammy's with an extra sandwich or an extra apple in both of our lunches.

I didn’t eat the extra apple or the sandwich. I gave them to other kids. Or I would just toss them. I could risk giving the sandwich to Sammy because he would start asking my mom questions about why she had packed him 3 sandwiches and I couldn’t have that.

I had already lost all that weight and an extra sandwich or an apple in my mind at the time were going to jeopardies that. The kids at school had even stopped calling me dean the bean and people started to talk to me more. I had reached 2 other goals that I hadn’t even set.

So for the next 735 days, I did this same routine. That’s roughly two years of my life that nobody knew about. Most of my middle school years were literally flushed down the toilet (Pun intended).

Going into 8th grade was a bit rough. I hadn’t lost over 14 pounds since I had begun and instead of progressing, I gained a couple pounds back. That was a low blow to a 13-year-old me and I began purging sometimes 2-3 times a day. I would go back and forth between times where I would throw up more and times where I would eat less. That year, I made friends with a girl named Meg who also had the same problem as me and she introduced me to these weird pills called laxatives. I did it a couple times but it just wasn’t for me. But she also introduced me to exercises like running and I found my weight loss goal getting back on track.

Since starting the weight lose journey, I had experienced some very bad side effects. My skin was always clammy and pale after I would vomit. I would feel light right after I threw up but then it was always followed by feeling like my energy had completely depleted and some days I couldn’t get out of bed. Sometimes I would also have stomach pains but they’d go away in a reasonable amount of time. At first, I felt horrible after throwing up but then I sort of got used to it… or more tolerable to it I guess. But to be honest, after a while of doing something every day, you begin to feel numb to it. The only thing I didn’t get used to was the new found sensitivity to my teeth. If anything cold touched my two bottom teeth, I would get this immense pain that made me want to go in hulk mode because it hurt so bad.

It was a couple days into winter break when I began to feel a bit tired. I thought nothing of it because I had been fasting all that day and sometimes I would get a little tired. But then, it went on all week. I was even really tired when I binged and that was usually when I got the most of my energy from.

I could remember it being the day before Christmas Eve and Sammy and I were playing catch with snowballs. That morning, I had been feeling a bit off. I went to go throw a snowball to Sammy and everything was fine until he threw the ball back at me and I started seeing black spots and it was like my arms suddenly didn’t work and the icy substance hit me right in the face. Suddenly I was on my knees and Sam was next to me until those black spots grew bigger until they were all I saw.

I don’t remember much after that. When I woke up with blurry eyes, it took me a little bit to realize I was in the hospital and was in a lot of pain.

It took me less to figure out I had tube sticking out of my nose.

Sammy’s red puffy face was the first person I woke up to.

I had passed out due to a seizure.

The doctors said I was lucky. 

My parents said they were glad that I was awake. 

Sammy said nothing.

Neither did I.

The doctor went on to explain that the seizure was caused by dehydration and not getting enough nutrition.

My mom was furious and mentioned the extra apples and sandwiches that she had been packed in my lunches for school and how the refrigerator had been dwindling living with 3 boys.

The doctor had also said they had found that the enamel on my teeth had been wearing. And that it could be caused by the acid in fruit drinks and juices.

But you see, mom is a dentist… so that didn’t go over well. She always made sure that Sammy an I always brushed and flossed. 

Then they started asking and when the last time I had gone to the dentist and questions about what I had been eating and drinking and finally I cracked. I told them about what I had been doing for the past couple of years. I told them about the throwing up, the fasting, the exercise, the dabble with laxative. And I didn’t stop there. 

It was like word vomit (Alright, that pun was not intended)

After I was finished, everyone stared at me with beady eyes and I just wanted to die.

My family was shocked.

And… you know that second after something’s gone terribly wrong and where it’s quiet and you know that someday it will pass but at that moment, you _wished_ … no, you’d _do_ anything to be in somebody else’s body instead of your own. And you’re trying to decide in your head if you should run away or if you should stay an endure what life… or the universe has thrown at you and you’re debating if turning invisible is actually possible. And that maybe this was it for you and you had ruined your whole life just in these few seconds. And... and you’re feeling all these bad emotions like regret and sadness and anger and they’re rushing into you and you think your going to exploded and you’re wondering why you haven’t kneeled over yet from the overwhelming feelings...?

Well… if that made sense at all, then yeah that’s what I felt like at that moment.

I was so ashamed.

The way everyone was looking at me made me feel smaller than I already was. Being in the hospital gown only made things worse. Now that my arms were exposed under the sickly florescent lights, there was nothing left to hide.

I was diagnosed with EDNOS. Which stands for Eating Disorder not otherwise specified.

It’s like this, people who don’t fit into the neat list of anorexia or bulimia or other specific eating disorders are put in this mixture. I had a combination of eating disorders. And even though I was fasting and exercising and purging, I was still at a reasonable weight.

I felt a little disappointed that I wasn’t even fit enough to be grouped in a known illness at first. It didn’t feel like a real illness. I couldn’t really be that sick if it wasn’t the two, right?

Well I was wrong. I was still killing my body just as much, if not more.

I guess what I had was far more dangerous and everyone was lucky that it was found earlier because some people went years without anyone knowing.

That still didn’t make me feel any better.

Recovery started the day everything blew up.

Merry Christmas to me right? 

The first step of the treatment process was to begin trying some foods that I had either binged on, restricted or purged.

God, I hated it.

Can you imagine what all that was?

That meant I had to eat Oreos… chips, ham and turkey sandwiches… apples, pasta, chips and salsa… God, the list was endless. And to this day, was probably one of the hardest parts of my recovery. Once you’ve thrown something up like that, its hard to enjoy that food every again.

I spent two weeks in the hospital straight just eating and learn how to control myself around food. This meant cooking with it, being around it and eating it.

Then the rest of my life doing the same at home.

How much I hated the hospital, being at home was even harder during the first 6 months.

My parents made a lot of changes at home before I was released from the hospital. I wasn’t allowed to be in the bathroom for more than… I think it was 10 minutes… nope actually it was 8. Yup… And that was pretty worse on its own but they also took the locks off my room and the bathroom doors. Which was a pain ‘cause you know… I was 13 and all… and at 13, locks are a wonderful thing.

But I think the worst thing they did was take away the scale in my bathroom and that annoyed me like no other. Before, I was checking my weight around 4 times a day. I guess the feeling could be compared to not having a clock in the room when you’re at school and taking a timed test…. Nah not having the scale was more stressful I’d say. 

My parents od course justified all of this by love of course but that just made me angrier.

My family was weird around me during that time. I would find Sammy always looking at me. And my dad never talked to me like he used to. He was always quiet when he was around me. Or my mom would always be at the other side of the bathroom door. You know how weird it is to have your mom listening to you taking a crap? (Well I mean of course you do… since you’re me and all but that’s not the point.) 

School was also difficult during this time. Somehow, people began to find out about my time in the hospital. People didn’t really know why I had been in the hospital so they began making their own conclusions 

I don’t know what’s worse, getting physically bullied or emotionally…

It was hard trying to recover when people were saying nasty and inconsiderate things behind your back and to your face 

It was hard when people your own age were belittling you like you were instead younger than them.

And when I decided to tell a few of my classmates, people began to say that eating disorders were only for girls.

Well how ignorant was that comment? I’m a dude and I struggled with an eating disorder. Obviously still struggle and will always struggle with it. Having an eating disorder isn’t about what gender you are.

People like that really pissed me off. Once they had that mindset, it was so hard to get through to them after that. It was so hard dealing with that and recovery.

Anyways, during my recovery I had a lot of setbacks.

Sometimes I would attempt to skip out on lunch or the snacks I was supposed to be eating but I was always caught. Lets just say there were very few good days in the initial recovery state. But, even though I had bad days, it didn’t mean that I was a failure. All it meant was that I was trying. And even though in the morning I would say to myself, I can’t do this, or I don’t want to do this, every night I would tell myself that I had made it and that I was ready for the next day.

Part of recovery was also reconnecting with my family too. In those 2 years not only I was isolating myself from food, I was also isolating myself from my family too. I hadn’t had an honest relationship with them since this whole thing started and that was hard to realize. Through persona and family therapy sessions, I suddenly began to question things like, when was the last time I had been interested in what Sammy was doing? How had I not even realized that my Mom had gotten a promotion? Why had it been 6 months since I had gone on a camping trip with my dad?

So, one weekend, I decided to plan a camping trip with my family, where I could spend time with them.

The camping trip didn’t go as planned. When we got there, Sammy immediately wanted to go swimming right when we got there and my swimsuit basically hung off me, making me feel very uncomfortable. The mosquitos also practically ate me alive too. And when it came to dinner, cooking was the easiest task. I guess I liked cooking because you had a lot of control. Mom and Sammy ended up helping me with dinner that night. Even my dad pitched in. When it came time to eat, we all engaged conversation and nobody said anything about how slow I ate.

I looked at my dad making funny faces and mom laughing and Sammy acting out this play and I had never been happier. It was the best I had felt in a long time

This one moment erased all the unfortunate events that had transpired in my life as of late.

I had realized that I had been hungry for a really long time. And for once, I wasn’t just talking about food. I had been hungry for late night talks with Sammy, for my mom’s warm hugs, for my dad’s crazy stories. I got closer to my family in that one night, then I had been in over 2 years.

When we got back from my camping trip, recovery was that much easier.

In my case, it began as losing a few pounds but manifested into an obsession.

Last night, when my Dad asked if I were having “issues again” I felt like he was accusing me of reverting back completely. And I got mad.

Everyday, I live with this constant struggle of who I am now and who I once was. When my dad began to question me, I felt like the old me again. And that’s a horrible feeling. I just felt like dad no longer trusted me. Before he got my side of the story, he had assumed that I had relapsed back to my old ways. I’ve worked so hard. Why can’t he acknowledge that?

And I’m not saying that I’ve forgotten who I was, because I never could, all’s I’m saying is that The me now has come along way.

The me now was better. The me now can finish his plate. The me now doesn’t throw up if he thinks he’s eaten too much. He doesn’t feel guilty when he eats either. He’s more confident in himself. Hell, he likes himself more. I’d also liked to think that the me now is a better son and brother.

The me now has a great life filled with great friends and a great family.

I guess writing this has made me less mad my dad. I’m going to go talk to him and Sammy now and get a few things straight.  

Keep on being cool,

Dean.

**A/N:**

Diabetic dean will come next chapter. 


End file.
